Darlings!
The world is getting absolutely holly jolly. Rather than fretting about having to endure another episode of Uncles Webster and Oxford launching ad homonym attacks over holiday dinner, I’m greeting the winter season with joy. And why not? The festivals abound: Bodhi Day! St. Lucy’s Day! Hanukkah! Yule! Dongzhi! Los Posadas! Christmas! Kwanzaa! Boxing Day! Your auntie has been known to keep the victuals and libations flowing for an entire month of entertaining. I’d like to think the guest list is due to my sparkling personality, but I suspect it’s Inigo Montoya’s coquito recipe.
Because of all this joviality, December also marks the annual invasion from the north—the North Pole that is. Every December the residents of the northernmost spot in Romancelandia descend on Auntie in a kaleidoscope of merriment and mayhem. You have your saints, your krampuses (krampii?), your Christmas ghosts, your Christmas kings, your Yule kings, your Hanukkah goblins, and my esteemed guests, Ebenezer Scrooge and Herschel of Ostropov. But all of these luminaries are outnumbered by the massive number of Santas of every size, shape and color: polar bear Santas, silver fox Santas, hot firefighter Santas, cool millionaire Santas, St. Nicks, and Father Christmases. It’s a Kalamity of Kringles!
With so many helpful ears in which to whisper heartfelt desires, tell me, my merry mirth makers, what do you wish for this holiday season? Your romantic dreams might come true in the Nick of time.
While I await your wishes, I’ll be busy. There are trees to decorate, dreidels to spin, and cocoa to spike with a dash of spirits and a whole lot of spice. Steam is just the thing to keep the extremities warm. Tis the season in which to sleigh, my dears.
Ta for now,
— Aunt Libra
Betting on the Beast
Dear Aunt Libra,
As a fellow journalist, I’m sure you can understand that a story occasionally gets away from you. I was only supposed to interview the CEO of Krampus World and then get out. One drink later and I’m in his winter palace and my clothing is just . . . gone. Oh, dear. Now he’s making noise about showing me the ways of Yuletide and begging me to melt his frozen heart. Honestly, how is a woman supposed to accomplish all this and still make deadline?
— Horny for Christmas
Dear Chrissy,
One Krampuslauf and a person can forget which way is up. I feel for you, my dear! Auntie has been known to take Christmas by the horns a time or two. But if you like your holiday heroes like Auntie likes her hot cocoa—dark with a kick of heat—you may find that your host is the absolute GOAT.
— Aunt Libra
Caught with the Kringle
Dear Aunt Libra,
I sort of made a bad decision and went home with a certain sexy firefighter in a Santa costume. Then a snowstorm extended my … visit, and next thing I knew, all the neighbors were talking. Would it be so terrible to fake date the firefighter so people wouldn’t think less of me? Especially if he has dreamy eyes, a chiseled jawline and a way with puppies?
— Meandering Under the Mistletoe
Dear Missy,
I’m amazed that your chemistry didn’t take care of that snowstorm, darling. Perhaps ask your sizzling Santa what he has in mind after he’s stuffed your stocking. Santas have a tendency to do it all in one night.
— Aunt Libra
Unexpected Roommates
Dear Aunt Libra,
It all started because I was going to “borrow” the beach villa. But only for one night! You could say my family is in the holiday business, and it’s been stressful meeting deadlines. I desperately needed to get away. Being related to the Three Magi—yes, those Magi—we have connections, and I used them. However, no one told me that the new Santa is Kristina Kringle, or that she owns said villa. Now she’s caught me in her bed, and she looks like she wants to unwrap me like a present. Should I let her?
— Naughty on Nochebuena
Dear Buena,
What I could tell you about unexpected house guests during the holidays. I’ve awoken more than once to the Grinch and Max in my front parlor polishing off my good sherry. However, it sounds like your guest might know a thing or two about whether you’ve been naughty or nice. Auntie suggests a bow. And a smile.
— Aunt Libra
Out of the This World
Dear Aunt Libra,
I’ve discovered Santa’s secret and it’s not what you think. He’s a 400-year-old alien with telepathic reindeer, but he doesn’t look a day over 40. Or maybe 30. It’s hard to tell with a man from outer space who doesn’t age. Oh, and did I mention he’s smoking hot with silvery hair and a rockin’ body? He says he’s been waiting for me to grow up ever since he cured me of leukemia as a child. Now that I’m a woman, he wants me to be his Mrs. Claus, or rather, his Mrs. Clausarkar. Should I let him beam me up?
— Stuck in the Chimney of Love
Dear Chim Chim,
Oh, my dear, Auntie has SO many questions. Is the sleigh a spaceship? Are the elves also aliens? Are all reindeer telepathic? The mind boggles! I must say that even with the surfeit of Santas here in Romancelandia I’ve never met an alien Claus. I’m at a loss to advise you except to say, make sure everything is compatible before he takes you to a galaxy far, far away.
Oh, my sugarplums! Auntie won’t need to turn up the heat after this round of Kringley correspondence. It’s a wonder that any presents get delivered at all. Those rascals certainly get around.
I do hope my merry inklings will find their perfect solution to holiday stress. Will Chrissy file that story on deadline, or will she wind up on her editor’s naughty list? Will Missy salvage her reputation, and her heart, or will she just let everything burn? Will Buena figure out how to tie a bow? And is Chim Chim ready for a close encounter of the Christmas kind? I don’t know about you, but I’m hoping for answers in my stocking.
Before you settle in for your long winter nap, your Auntie is wishing you a happy, a merry and a jolly throughout this festive season. And if you drop into my holiday soiree, make sure stop by for a squeeze and a toast. There’s nothing I love more than sharing bookish joy with you, dear reader.
Happy Holidays!
— Aunt Libra