Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions by Daniel Smith
In his book, Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions, Daniel Smith’s contemplative reflection is both rewarding and cathartic, as he explores the emotions he has contended with over his lifetime and the scholarly research that has examined similar feelings. Each chapter is full of rewarding insight into feelings such as despair, boredom and shame, and Daniel reveals how each sensation has affected his life in some way. This is both a philosophical and psychological book that will prove pensive to many readers.
The road to self-discovery began with a seemingly innocuous birthday gift for his 40th birthday. Life had been looking up for Daniel, newly remarried and eagerly anticipating the birth of his second child. As Daniel began to re-examine these particular gifts, books on sadness, death and tragedy, he began to feel a sense of disquietude. He pondered whether the gifts were a reflection of his own state of mind. Before he met his second wife, Daniel had been spiraling as the sudden end of his first marriage left him rudderless and off-kilter. He was overwrought and emotional, sensations he would begin to come to terms with years after.
The Shame of Expressing Feelings and Their Repression
The Utku Tribe was a resilient group of people living in Northern Canada when anthropologist Jean Briggs began to study them. When Briggs was unable to contain her anger, the tribe responded by withdrawing from her. Daniel had experienced anger and annoyance after the 2008 recession dashed his employment hopes and led to financial strain on his household. His frustration with his economic woes and his inability to rise above them at the time cast a pall over his marriage, which led to problems down the line.
There should be no shame in freely expressing emotions, but a sense of shame often arises in situations where we have little control. Daniel’s father experienced a mental breakdown in his adult years, and the sense of disgrace he felt in grappling with mental illness nearly overwhelmed him. However, there is a distinct difference between feeling ashamed and being shamed, as the former is internal and the latter external. With the view of hindsight, Daniel is able to empathize with his father.
Emotions Are Our Teachers
Boredom is often temporary, but when it begins to linger, it can pose significant problems if not handled properly. Allowing ennui to fuel the imagination and creativity that stirs inside our brains would be preferable to yielding to the vices of self-destruction. Envy is a longing for more, yet it shouldn’t deter someone from enjoying what they have. Daniel has experienced many of these feelings in life and has taken the lessons he’s learned from each to gain an appreciation of self that far too many ignore or disregard.
Hard Feelings is an engrossing book that plumbs the depths of introspection, drawing on the author’s life experiences, the research of scholars, and insights from pop culture to understand various reactions. Smith’s words illustrate a hard-earned wisdom that he desires to share with the reader, and he does so cogently and with no judgment. This is an important and moving book that will appeal to many who struggle with self-expression.
Daniel Smith is a psychotherapist and the author of Muses, Madmen, and Prophets and Monkey Mind. His writing has appeared in The Atlantic, The New York Times Magazine, and The New Yorker, among other publications. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.
Publish Date: March 3, 2026
Genre: Memoir
Author: Daniel Smith
Page Count: 256 pages
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
ISBN: 9781982103903