At some point this holiday season, you’re going to want to piss off your parents and extended family. It’s the nature of the holidays. Blasting a song or two from the ol’ bedroom on the ol’ boombox you grew up with is just the right passive-aggressive touch that says, “if you’re going to make me feel 15 again, then I’ll act like it!”
Here are 10 songs that are sure to tell your family how you really feel. They are all completely NSFW (and if played in combination could earn you a free trip to the therapist.) Here we go, in no particular order.
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Metallica, “Dyers Eve”
You can thank James Hetfield’s Christian Science upbringing for this timeless f-off to helicopter parenting. The part to turn up here is “Dear Mother, dear Father / You’ve clipped my wings before I learned to fly… I’ve outgrown that fucking lullaby.” Perfect for the post dinner ‘what are you doing with your life’ lecture.
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Slayer, “Necrophiliac”
It’s pretty much what every parent thinks about when they think about “devil music.” What is more worrisome to the units than their son blasting an epic tale of digging up a corpse and inseminating it with the Anti-Christ? Aunt Freida will likely crap (and cross) herself if she gets within earshot.
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Body Count, “Cop Killer”
This song is the poster-child for the Parental Advisory Sticker. Tipper Gore, along with President H.W. Bush and Vice-President Dan Quayle, went after this song hard. If the ultimate powers-that-be had their blood boiling about it, this is a sure bet to raise the hairs on Mom and Dad’s neck. (You can tell them the guy who wrote it is the same Black gentleman they love from Law and Order SVU.)
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Cannibal Corpse, “Hammer Smashed Face”
Although it’s practically impossible to make out the lyrics, this death metal standard gets the message across that you’re angry. Grab the toolbox from the basement for added effect.
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Steel Panther, “Community Property”
It’s possible that Ma and Pa might hear the first few bars of this from your room and think that this is a perfectly acceptable glam rock ballad. Romantical-like, even. That is, until they hear, “my dong is community property” for the 4th time. As pointed out in the youtube comments, mock hair-metal band Steel Panther might be the greatest “troll band” ever. And they’ll certainly drag your parents along for the ride.
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Dying Fetus, “From Womb to Waste”
Abortion has always been a touchy subject, and no more so than these days. Most of the older generation doesn’t feel like that subject needs to be addressed in song… much less through with blast beat entrenched death metal. Enter Dying Fetus to the holiday party. (This is not a pro-choice song, per-se, but a graphic tale of young women who don’t have any other choices.)
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Slipknot, “Eyeless”
You could have gone with a bunch of Slipknot songs here but the lyric “You can’t see California without Marlon Brando’s eyes” may rope in the ‘rents with a reference to a famous actor of their generation. Plus, you don’t “give a shit” at this point in the playlist.
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Insane Clown Posse, “Santa’s a Fat Bitch”
Most of the older generation don’t like their traditions messed with. Although there are more offensive ICP songs this one has jingle bells a-plenty. Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J waste no time tearing down the holiday and wetting up Kris Kringle’s sweater at the same time.
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Blink-182, “Happy Holidays, You Bastards”
Blink’s anti-Xmas carol centers on the familiar territory of a relationship gone south and a holiday without the proper cheer. It immediately turns abhorrent with lyrics of parental sexing and uncle-shitting. Just glorious.
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Unknown Artist, “Turkey Murder (The Thanksgiving Song”
Just turn it up.
